Country Bears

Today I sat down to see this movie called “Country Bears”, that my brother wanted to watch.  I haven’t seen the movie since I was 5.  Oh god, it was so bad.  I’m not particularly sure why I enjoyed this movie when I was younger, but it is flat out terrible. How did I find this movie “cute” when I was little? There is nothing cute in my opinion about the movie.

Plot

Let’s start with the plot to this movie. The movie opens with these animatronic bears that are “Rock legends” performing in Nashville. (They looked like they were Lorde performing at the Grammy awards last year.) The band consists of Elton John’s furry counterpart, and Wookie wannabes that did not make the cut at the Star Wars auditions. After showing the group perform, we are notified that the band decided to split up in 1991.  (I wonder why?)

 Ten years later, we are introduced to a character named Beary Bearington. (That is such a name!)  Apparently Beary is adopted by a human family called the Bearingtons.  (The irony is killing me!)  Beary then chats with his family claiming that he feels “different".  (Considering you are a bear, it’s kind of obvious!)  The parents deny it, but Beary’s brother starts to tell him the truth, and shows him how he was found moments later with a really bad edited picture, and a TRACKING DEVICE?! (Damn! I can only imagine the horrors of how Beary was really found!)

Beary decides to run away from his family that loves him, and cares for him just to feel he can belong! (Very smart way of getting abducted Beary! Good job!)  Beary is now on a bus, and heads to the place where his favorite idols perform. (Gee, I wonder who they are!)  While Beary runs off, we see his family CRYING that he ran away. (You see Beary, there are people that LOVE you!)  We then switch over to one of the horrifying mutated bears, and apparently the place that the “Country Bears” performed at and built is shutting down thanks to a banker that’s played by Christopher Walken.

 

Elvis’s furry counterpart is upset that the place is shutting down!   Beary walks over and offers to get the band together with a reunion show, so the place doesn't shutdown.  Beary accompanies Elton John, and the quest begins to find the lost Wookies. (It seems like a fantastic idea to accept a suggestion from someone you just met five seconds ago! Are these screenwriters THIS lazy?!) We now jump back to Beary’s loving family, and we happen to see two cops. One of the cops has a fake mustache, and the other one does not have a mustache.  (I forget the Actor’s names by the way.)  The cops are now on a quest to find Beary.

Beary and Elvis managed to grab the gang, and got back together within minutes.  This is including some very awkward music numbers in between.  Eventually, the cops give up at finding Beary, and there is a news flash saying that Beary was kidnapped by a member of the beloved “Country Bears”.  The cops regain some hope, and a cheesy car chase scene is followed. (I think these guys need a raise!)  The gang manages to lose the cops and continue on their quest.  Not once do we hear from Beary’s family until the near end of the movie.

 The “Country Bears” decide that maybe it was not worth reuniting, which causes a heartbroken Beary.  Beary then decides to call his family. The only one that picks up the phone is his brother.  Beary runs away from his idols, and runs home.  His American Horror story posse discover that he ran away because he was upset. (Beary is making running away and killing other’s emotions a really bad habit!)  The American Horror Story crew feels bad, and the furry Elvis conveniently finds Beary’s home.  (Elvis is a stalker!)

Beary and Elvis resolve things, and head back to the building that the Country Bears created.  As they’re heading back, we see the banker destroying multiple models of the bear’s building with iron, repeatedly screaming “Ow” in his office.  (OCD?)   The banker starts to kidnap everyone in the band but Beary and Elvis, and puts them in a jail cell.

 

Beary and Elvis find out, and get the help from Beary’s parents who are not even freaked out by the situation.  (If it were me, I’d be freaking out!)  Beary and Elvis go through a near death drive, and Elvis flies and crashes through the jail cell’s window without zero injuries. (Is he part robot?)  Somehow Beary appears out of nowhere and is reunited with his own kind. 

The banker shows up, taunts them, and reveals why he kidnapped the bears.  He kidnapped the bears because he was angry that he lost in a talent competition for a music career.  Even though the bears are animatronic freak shows, they actually have a talent.  The banker’s talent was making fart noises from his armpit. (This guy needs a therapist for holding a grudge like this.)  The banker escapes, and heads towards the building.   

Beary and co escape, and head to the building. Guess who’s there!  The banker arrived, and is about to blow up the beloved building in a half hour. Beary and co manage to stop this, and within seconds grab a huge audience for their reunion show after they were barely promoted. (Somebody needs to fire these screenwriters.)

Beary performs with the band, and we see Beary’s family rocking out to Beary’s performance.  Then we head to the credits.

This movie actually got pretty bad reviews in the media by the way.  Overall, this movie is really bad, and I see things really different as I’m older for what the movie really is.  What is a bad movie you've seen?  Comment below!